Dating apps don’t work as well as you think they do
From best pals to colleagues you barely tolerate, it can feel like you’re surrounded by people who met their partners on a dating app.
But all that anecdotal evidence we’ve been collecting over the years since the apps launched, all the friends, acquaintances, and distant cousins who’ve met the loves of their lives with a swipe — their digital meet cutes might make it feel like the only way to meet your soulmate is online. But, that feeling isn’t a fact.
Don’t rely on dating app anecdotes
According to a YouGov survey on How Brits Meet Their Partners published in Sept. 2024, 8 percent of us met our current or most recent significant others on a dating app. Putting that into perspective, that’s less than those who met the most common way, through friends (16 percent), and less than those who met through work (14 percent), or in passing while out (12 percent). But that’s also more than those who met through university or other higher education (5 percent), or through a shared hobby (4 percent). Even when combined with those who met online, through a site like OkCupid or Match, the percentage of people who met their current or most recent partner digitally rises to 12 percent. Not insignificant, but by no means a landslide.
U.S. think tank the Pew Research Center conducted similar research in their 2023 report involving 6,034 Americans. Only one in 10 adults who were in a committed relationship met their partner on a dating website or on an app, with 30 percent of Americans having tried them at one point or another.
Why does it seem like everyone’s met on a dating app?
Maybe we just feel like app-based relationships are everywhere because they’re still relatively new. Going from zero to, as YouGov has it, 8 percent in the years since dating apps were invented is a big enough jump to make an impression. Or maybe, on some level, it’s still surprising enough to be disproportionately memorable when we hear about people who met on an app and are actually happy. Or maybe it’s just a small talk thing people have repeated so many times over the years that we’ve started to believe it. How many times have you said or heard something like: “Oh you met on Hinge? I swear everyone meets on an app these days”?
I was a big fan of dating apps when I was single. I used them to meet people for the majority of my adult life. My mum even met my lovely stepdad on a dating site over 20 years ago, way back when you couldn’t add photos to your profile (imagine!) so using the apps felt pretty natural and normal to me when they came around.
Of course, I get why some people hate them for things like gamifying the dating process, encouraging us to judge books by their covers, and facilitating scores of unethical dating trends. But when I was younger, when dating was more of a hobby than a vocation, the benefits of chatting with lots of hot people while bypassing the doubt and anxiety of approaching them in real life were too huge for me to ignore. I even ended up meeting the man who’d become my husband on an app.
So yes, they can lead to something serious. Just not as often as we’ve led ourselves to believe. And these misplaced high expectations are making the dating scene feel even more hellish.
Hope Flynn, relationship expert and founder of female self-empowerment community So What calls dating apps “a mixed bag,” adding: “I know plenty of people that have found real long-lasting relationships and even marriages through apps. But let’s be real, they can get frustrating. There’s lots of ghosting, trying to figure out if someone is genuine or not, and tonnes of conversations that just end up falling flat and going nowhere.”
Integrative counsellor Amy Sutton, who focuses on her clients’ relationships, trauma, and self-confidence, goes a little further, calling the apps a “double-edged sword” and an “emotional rollercoaster” that some of us might enjoy while others just want to get off it. Sutton, a Counselling Directory member, adds that their efficacy depends on how each user defines success. If you just want some casual hookups, the apps can be a gold mine. And if you’re looking for The One, you never know, you could get lucky.
“But for others,” she tells me, “the process can be frustrating, disheartening, and even traumatising. I’ve worked with clients who have experienced severe anxiety and low mood as a result of repeated experiences such as ghosting, breadcrumbing, and other dating app-associated trends.”
And if you’ve put all your eggs in the dating app basket only to find it’s not working out the way you expected, it can suck away your hope for the future. In its place, Flynn says, you’ll find exhaustion, pessimism, and self-doubt. Not exactly the best frame of mind for finding love, or for your mental health in general.
Sutton says her clients are often left feeling “invisible” or “unlovable” after a string of app letdowns. They wonder whether there’s something wrong with them for not being able to get them to work the way they seem to for other people. This leaves them feeling hopeless about the prospect of finding love anywhere.
“Dating fatigue leaves people so disillusioned by the process that they either avoid dating altogether or engage half-heartedly,” she adds, “which perpetuates this sense of burnout. It can make them start to believe that they are simply destined to be alone. It can also lead to objectification of others — we stop seeing that there are real humans behind the profiles and start ‘shopping’ for matches like we would a new pair of shoes. Our ability to form meaningful connections that blossom over time is eroded.”
Using dating apps as one ‘string to your dating bow’
If you want to keep using dating apps but also keep this damaging snowball effect from rolling, Flynn recommends seeing the apps more as a string to your dating bow, rather than your one and only hope of meeting someone. Try to put yourself out there in real life too.
To do that, Flynn suggests working to make yourself more approachable and trying to be a bit more brave, even if you’re feeling shy. “Keeping a friendly and positive vibe no matter where you are can really make a difference to how people respond to you,” she adds. IRL dating events have boomed this year — likely because other people are sick of the apps, too — so look for any in your area with social media or sites like Eventbrite.
“These platforms are a tool, not a magic solution.”
Sutton has similar advice, saying: “Remain open and curious. Approach life with an open mind and you can start building your confidence to connect with others at all levels — be they acquaintances, friends, or potential partners. Whether it’s accepting an invitation to an event you might otherwise have said ‘no’ to or striking up a conversation in the local coffee shop, being open to connection in the moment without the pressure of expectation projects a confidence and charisma that can be very attractive.”
And don’t feel like you have to stay on the apps at all if you don’t like using them.
“These platforms are a tool,” Sutton points out, “not a magic solution. The swipe-based, algorithm-driven approach to love often reduces human connection to something transactional. Remember, real love is about building intimacy, trust, and connection. Things that take time, patience, and often a bit of luck.”
